As the more astute may have noticed, a new year has now sluggishly descended upon us like a really bad hangover*, which incidentally is the way that most people choose greet the advancement of this particular unit of time following on from their antics of the previous night which tend to be variations on the theme of getting absolutely rotten drunk and slurring along out of tune to Auld Lang Syne, which would cause any more respectable, sober people nearby to groan if indeed more respectable, sober people actually existed on New Years Eve.
Once the majority of the country has managed to >TAKE BEUFFERED ANALGESIC, and the room has stopped spinning uncontrollably and we are all able to keep our stomach contents on our inside, then people tend to turn to one of the more popular traditions surrounding New Years, which is that of writing out lists of anything and everything that could possibly be done in an effort to somehow ensure that life this coming year will somehow be more fufilling, or at the very least more bearable, than it was last year. I am, of course, talking about that time honored institution known as New Years Resolutions.
By their nature, all new year resolutions will be impossible to keep which raises the question why so many people bother making them in the first place, but allow me to assure you all that this is ok, because everybody else is doing it, and if everyone else is doing something, then it must be ok. In addition, New Years Resolutions as a rule are uninventive and as cliched as you could possibly get without seriously doing damage to the nature of space time. So, in an effort to do something different, whilst at the same time conforming to what everybody else is doing, I would like to present you with my list of resolutions for 2006.
My 2006 New Year Resolutions
- Loose weight. Because it isn't a proper set of New Years Resolutions if you don't include this somewhere on it at least once.
- Put on weight. Because assuming that I am somehow successfull with resolution 1, then I would be left dangerously underweight.
- Drink more. If people make resolutions in order to make their life a better one, then refusing themselves things that they enjoy seems a rather funny way of going about it to me. I intend to increase my alcohol consumption, as not only will this make my life a happier one, but it will also be one resolution I'll actually be able to keep.
- Practice playing guitar more and become a famous international rock star. Because every list of resolutions needs to have something so utterly overblown and ambitious that it will be impossible to achieve barring a miracle.
- Start a new hobby. Because hobbies are meant to enrich our lives, aren't they? Personally, I've always wanted to try my hand at extreme origami (like normal origami, except it is performed whilst jumping out of a plane).
And there we have it, a complete set of New Years Resolutions that could compete with the best of them. Naturally I intend to forget about all of these before January is out, but that isn't a problem since once February gets here I will befocusingg most of my efforts on feeling bitter towards valentines day and being cynical about that instead.
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* You may have also noticed that I am in fact 5 days late in realising this fact. I would like to counter this by invoking the ancient rite of STFU. ¬_¬
